What I learned about myself….

I can sure take one hell of an ass kicking…..in all areas, physically, emotionally, mentally & spiritually.  Let me get up close & personal here for a bit.  In my opinion, we ALL have that warrior spirit.  It’s just a matter of time when, how, & where it will be enticed.

Let me be clear.  My pain is no different than your pain.  It’s different levels of it, but all pain is the same.  We may wish for lesser pain, that’s just human nature.  I had to remind myself of this later when I realized I wished I had gallbladder girls problems rather than my own.  I do recall at some point trusting myself that I had the tools to take this bitch of a cancer fight on.

You won’t understand any of this until you go through your own battle.  Not everyone gets the cancer card but not everyone gets the divorce card or loss of a child card either.  I never compare my pain with anyone else’s…..I find that ignorant, as in uneducated in life.  The process of cancer ate me up, chewed me up, & spit me back out…….remember that last part.  Spit me back out!  Why?  Because I left a bad taste in pains path.

I am not sure if it’s new boundaries for myself that I learned to develop, that may just be too technical for moi.  So let’s dummy this down to my level of understanding of this process.  It basically released me from my own shackles which I did not realize I had a lot of…..fears.  Fear of dying, fear of pain, fear of hurting someone’s feelings, fear of blah blah blah.  I used to envy people who could channel that I don’t give a fuck attitude….and now here I am.

Now I lost my train of thought and where I was going with this……fuck it.  There is probably some knowledge in here for you somewhere.  Don’t take everything I say literally……some pieces may resin with you and some may annoy the shit out of you like when I ramble on about bullshit.  I get stuck sometimes too, so sue me.

Don’t confuse my new, don’t give a fuck attitude for lack of empathy.  I have empathy, sometimes too much, which probably got me in trouble with life from time to time and perhaps that’s how I ended up here.

Now i’m writing and trying to save the world because I don’t want anyone to suffer as I have….imagine that.  That makes me an asshole though.  How dare I try to alter somebody’s journey!  That was my initial goal???  Like as if….who am I God?  Why do I set such high standards for myself like that.  A select few in life do this.  They set their goals so high that they get disappointed over and over again.  That does not make it wrong though, just change the way you think…..I cannot save anyone from their journey of suffering but I can provide cpr in case of emergency and or offer hope utilizing my skills to write & speak to lessen that suffering.  How does that sound?






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